


Tales from Talon Tech Support

by MugaSofer



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: 4chan, Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, Canon Character of Color, Comedy, Internet, Meme, Parody, Unconventional Format, greentext
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 04:30:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8475433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MugaSofer/pseuds/MugaSofer
Summary: What if Sombra was more like the average IT guy? What if she was a 4chan poster? Inspired by the 4chan "Tales of IT" greentext - /gallery/iJD8f on imgur.





	

>day 19

>boss comes in and says we have a new assignment

>we're going to assassinate the president of Russia

>"Anon can you hack her and find us a way in?"

>shit

>google "President of Russia schedule" while wearing my serious face

>"hmm ... says here she'll be inspecting the Bore munitions factory tomorrow."

>she looks at me

>"Very well."

>time to google where the Bore factory is

***

>day 20

>attacking the Bore munitions factory

>turns out it's a hardened military facility filled with guards

>oops

>everything about it is classified but I can see the rough layout on Google Maps

>boss tells me to make sure the target is here

>"oh, she's here all right"

>military killing machines start sneaking in, killing guards as they go

>doing pointless backflips and shit

>I'm just wandering in the front door hiding behind a hologram

>hope nobody spots me on the security camera

>wander over to a console some guy was using

>thank god they're already logged in

>check the security camera and my teammates are totally obvious but I guess the security guy is on a coffee break

>suddenly I hear a voice on the comm

>"Anon. The door."

>Murderface is standing in front of a door surrounded by bodies

>suddenly realize he has no idea how to open it

>neither do I

>press buttons until the door moves but it only opens a crack

>"Anon..."

>play it off as a joke

>suddenly realize the button is a slider and I need to move it to the top to open the door

>I open it bit to make it look like I'm playing with him

>he uses his crazy nanotech enhancements to slide through the door before it's even open

>he could clearly have done that at any time

>I guess he was too lazy

***

>my one job accomplished, I start flicking through security feeds

>I figure killface will go kill the president and we'll be on our way

>mfw I see the room he's in

>it's full of turrets covering every angle

>he could easily have been killed the instant I opened that stupid door but wasn't for some reason

>guess the turrets don't recognize him as human

>tell him I've hacked the turrets

>boss lady starts bitching about how long she'll have to wait in the snow with her sniper rifle

>bitch it's not my fault you wore a backless bodysuit

>we're attacking Russia in the winter wear a coat

***

>suddenly the president walks right by my console

>"Incoming, uh, right now."

>president starts giving a speech about how great their weapons are and stuff

>one of them is pointing a gun right at her face

>powering it up

>no idea why though. I didn't hack it. maybe he's murdering the president too

>start poking around, see the files on the mechs. Maybe I *can* control them?

>mfw just a bunch of political BS about how nobody can know they got this tech from a spy with the enemy or whatever

>download it anyway

>DOOT DOOT DOOT

>Unauthorized access alarm

>oh shit oh shit

>sniper takes that as her cue to attack and starts firing wildly

>Guncrotch Mc Bulletmash takes that as his cue to attack and starts firing wildly 

>huge mech battle erupts between bulletface and the mech suit

>president sheparded into the lift by guards

>I'm cowering in the corner as bullets fly everywhere

>mech is kicking gunmouth's ass

>"Anon I'm cut off! You must kill the President"

>I'm in the same fucking room as you

>whatever

>"Uh ... sure! She's getting away!"

>go find an elevator so I can follow her.

>put on a cool circuit board hologram of what I imagine hacking looks like

>if doompants looks at me I'll look cool

>he doesn't

***

>elevator is attached to the wrong gantry

>gotta jump over to where she is

>just barely make it and pull myself up. Pretty proud I chased down the target where deathkiller failed

>everyone stares at me

>guards run over

>maybe the glowing hacking circuitry was a mistake

>shit shit guards! I throw a teleport grenade at them

>NOTHING HAPPENS

>must have configured it wrong

>guards literally burst out laughing

>fuckers

>while they're laughing I draw my pistol and shoot them

>who's laughing now

***

>suddenly the mech shoots a giant laser at me from below

>guess murderface wasn't doing a great job keeping it busy

>cuts right through the gantry

>falling

>circuit hologram is still projecting on everything I pass

>manage to land on another mech, it's moving to grab me or something

>manage to jump off

>GUARDS

>EVERYWHERE

>turn on my invisibility and hide in the corner

>they leave

***

>sneak upstairs

>president is going into a room!

>follow her

>maybe I can complete the mission after all

>I'm in her room hidden in the corner

>try to shoot the guard

>I'm out of fucking bullets

>I guess I used the whole clip shooting those guys from earlier

>fuck

>sneak over to one of the guards and try to steal his pistol

>hologram disintegrates

>Everyone kind of freezes for a moment

>I grab his gun and shoot guard #2

>guard #1 grabs it back but I manage to pull the trigger and shoot him while we're wrestling

>hold down the trigger and it stops firing

>out of ammo

>these things use up ammo fast

>he must have spares somewhere but I have no idea where he'd keep them

>honestly I have no idea how to reload a gun

***

>pointing my gun at the President of Russia

>my empty gun

>start bullshitting like crazy

>"I'm not gonna kill you lol I'm the one who set off the alarm"

>"what would happen if the people of Russia found out their defender against the Omnics ... was actually getting her tech from the enemy?"

>pull up the video from earlier

>she buys it

>"what do you want?"

>fuck

>what do I want?

>just vaguely imply she'd better do me a favour in the future

***

>looking at my screen I notice the teleportation grenade from earlier

>I forgot to hit the "on" key

>motherfucker

>guards suddenly start prying the blast door open

>"I'll ... uh ... be in touch."

>teleport away

>tell the boss I chased her but she got away

>I'll just have to hope the President doesn't tell anybody I "blackmailed" her into nothing

 


End file.
